


#2

by SourBerri



Series: Vents [2]
Category: None - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29839950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SourBerri/pseuds/SourBerri
Series: Vents [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186928
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	#2

So unfortunately I tried cutting myself yesterday. My reason doing so was an assignment I didn’t do-

It’s kinda scary how I would consider planning out ways to harm myself over small problems. 

I gave my sister the box cutter so I won’t do anything dumb and I’m happy she’s gonna hide it from me. 

I also asked my sister to tell my mom on what happened last week since I can’t bring myself to tell her myself. 

I feel like I’m gonna get yelled at for having such thoughts and being selfish ig

Telling my mom anything is terrifying. I planned on telling her that I was questioning my gender identity even though I knew I was trans n stuff but I changed my mind after she looked at me weird for saying “You can’t fix someone who’s gay”

I would say my mom is accepting n stuff but not when it comes to her children. She’s had gay friends and she didn’t mind them but it’s always different when it comes to her children.

Kinda unfortunate that I would be more open talking about topics such as self-harm, Suicidal thoughts, and gender dysphoria to some random person on the internet than my own parent.

I feel more comfortable talking about it to my dad and I rarely even know him

I was also gonna ask my mom if she likes transgender people but I’m scared of her opinion on it and of course she’s gonna ask why I’m asking that question

For the past few days I’ve been trying to force myself to want to self-harm but the thought freaks me out. Though I really wanted to it was scary seeing blood and I also didn’t wanna worry my family.

I felt so much guilt for getting so close to do it yesterday over such a minor problem. 

Sometimes I feel guilty even writing or typing this since I make it seem like my mom’s a bad person but even now I’m if she is

I’m pretty sure my sister is gonna talk to my mom tonight and I’m getting anxiety thinking of the outcome

I don’t know what my mom would say but what I definitely know is that she’ll yell at me or keep throwing questions at me or even be upset towards me

Possibilities are endless but I know it isn’t gonna end positively

Sometimes I think about the time I had a anxiety attack over presenting and my mom and her boyfriend just called it like idk stage fright?? 

Sometimes I feel like my mom thinks everything could work out just by talking about each other

She’ll probably take me to the doctor for my eczema, when I have to get shots, or when I’m dying 

Other than that I doubt she might do much in this situation 

I don’t get how she thinks yelling at me to eat will make me wanna eat

If anything it’s gonna wanna make me wanna lie about what I eat so you don’t get mad at me 

I would just say I don’t have motivation to eat but only now I noticed what I was doing 

I wouldn’t eat till my hands were slightly shaky or when I felt like I was gonna pass out due to my headaches

I wouldn’t starve myself since I was scared of gaining weight it’s just I kinda felt tired of eating so I stopped eating 

To try to lighten this up sometimes I think of a list of people that would hate crime me n call me slurs and people who would infantilize due to being trans 

I remember we were getting to know each other during class when school was first starting out and this one girl said she supports the LGBTQ community 

Like that’s great but it’s the bare minimum to support us 

Sometimes I feel bad for people asking me if I’m okay and to talk to them if I need too 

My main thing was for people to not to worry about me but guess that didn’t work very well 

Hopefully I can find the courage to ask my mom if she likes or how she views trans people today since I keep pushing back when i should ask her 

Guess that’s all for today


End file.
